She told me to go work at a rape crisis center "this way you can figure out if you take the case home or if you can leave the case there." It got me thinking, I do take things personally and bring it into my own life, so can I handle this as a future occupation? So here goes my experiment, to find the line between my own life and the life of others, to have enough sympathy without taking it into my own life.

There are many things that I am thinking about right now, when in fact I should be in bed sleeping but sleeping does not come easy when you cannot give your thoughts a rest.  I just read over that sentence and read it as "when you cannot give your heart a rest."  I dont even know where to begin.  I am done trying to make this sound like a well thought out passage.  It is too much for me to figure out while I am lost in thought of what just went on tonight.  So I am just going to get out my thoughts unscripted, uneditted, because this one is for me.  The only one that can help me figure things out? me. 

Sometimes I think that there has to be an ultimate goal that we are all working at.  I dont know what it is all the time but maybe that is the problem.  Maybe I should. Well with school everyone helps to eventually get their degree, get sometining out of all that time and effort they have put.  Those countless hours they have worked on this education that will help future them in life.  With relationshiops like friendshipo you hlope to have a life long friend, someone who will be there to listen to you and someone you can talk to when things arent always so easy. Someone who will lend a sympathetic shoulder to cry on or someone just to make you laugh and forget aobut your troubles?  What troubles?  Other relationship troubles.  And what other relationshipo troubles am I talking about.  Well the one where your heart is involved, and yes I know wiith friendhsip your heart is involved too but this is a hwole different story.  Where is the goal there?  To get married, to hae a hapy ending to grow old with one another?  I guess that is where everone wants to be, to ulatimately find their life long companion that they can spend the rest of their life with.  Its funny how things like that work, I think tosays socieyt makes it so easy to change your midn.  Before divorce ws a thing that would drive people crazy, and I'm sure today it still drives peole crazy, but it has become much more accepted.  So accepted that a divocre seems like just another break up.  And although it is one, it is saying a lot more than just the breaking up of a boyfriend and girlfriend.  Vows are broken and "til death do us part" is more like "until we get bored then we'll part" and what is that really saying?  And yes, every relationship has problems, family, friends, love, they ALL have problems and to run away will just leave the person running for the rest of their life.  It doesnt end the conflict, and the person just keeps running and running and they will be happy but only temporarily until another problem arises with in fact itt will because it is life and not everything is perfect.  And as problems arise if this person doenst learn and grow up and learn to deal with this problem they will be running for the rest of their life.  They arent just running from problems, they are running from life.  So this is life as we know it full of problems.

I'm at a point where I dont know anymore about the future and where this is going.  Not to say that I could ever figure out the future or see the future, but there should be the hope of one.  But what I have now is doubt.  Doubt of a real future with him. And I wish I didn't believe that.

You're not the answer to the questions that I still have. 

There is a time in everyone's life, the first time for anything is new, its important.  Whether what has happened is good or bad it doesnt matter, first stick in your mind.  First if its good heals your heart.  Firsts, if its bad, breaks down your mind.  What I can say is its not the first time I had to deal with something alone. 

A lot of times its not what is said that is the true meaning behind the words.  Its the relationship aspect of it.  Yes, I can be upset but the fact that you cant be there to comfort me and not give me a conscending attitude.  Its the relationship aspect of that matter. Honestly, I'm upset and I dont need someone to tell me I'm being a pessimist, I dont need someone to tell me that I am overreacting. I just need someone to listen and comfort me and tell me that everything is going to be okay.  I would do it for you.

It's always easier in life to find a scapegoat, to use excuses, anything, anything at all to keep from the words "I am wrong."  Noone ever wants to take the blame for what they did.  No one means what they say.  What a sad negative view.  Well, I'm a sad, negative child. 

I got to a point where I started wondering when the tears would stop falling.  I got to a point where I started to questioning why I have to depend on someone else.  I started to see that I lived way too much for other people and not enough for myself.  I started to realize "I'm there for you" is a bunch of bullshit.  I saw the fact that there are way too many excuses that he always has for why he couldn't behave better, for why he couldnt care about me like I did for him.  "I'm a boy, its just how I am." 

And once again I'm sitting here thinking "oh, maybe I shouldnt be so tough on him, he is going through hard times."  But how many times is that going to be the excuse.  Yes, I understand that he is going through hard times but does that mean he gets to take advantage of me and treat me like I dont matter.  Does it mean that everytime he is going through trouble, I am the nearest target of choice?  I know what it is like being the target of choice, to be the one that the other person displaces their feelings onto.  I have had enough of that in my family to need it from someone else.  Especially someone I would choose to give my heart to.  Yes, I know he is going through hard times, but then again, does he ever realize when I am going through hard times?  When he says things like "I love you dont forget that" does he mean it?  Or is it just a matter of convience, just words he says to keep me around.  It is the same words he says that makes ends up making me happy just to end up leaving me in tears when I've seen time and time again that those words dont mean a thing.  But hey, he's always been good at finding loop holes for the things he does wrong or the words and things he says he means.  The loop holes, I guess I should make this one up for him so I am not surprised when it comes, "I love you, dont you forget that I said that."  Oh I wont, I dont forget the things you say especially the "youre like it, but she IS it" which has been etched on me.  I know I keep bringing that up, and you know why?  Because I dont want to forget it.  I dont want to forget the things he says that gets my hopes up only to be broken down by the loopholes he finds or the other meanings he assigns to them.  I've fallen for them way too many times. 

And I know far too well, I dont need the excuses.

"I'm a guy, I dont know what I did wrong."  Well maybe you should sit down and figure it out.

And the conversation goes on to include how he doesnt know what he did wrong and how he wont figure it out, and because he is a "boy" a "guy" whatever it is you want to call it, that automatically should mean that I should tell him everytime he does something wrong because he will never know.  Maybe that is the problem.  Maybe that is the exact reason why this problem keeps on happening, because he will take me for granted he will ignore me, he will do things and then tell me how he doesn't know that that is wrong, even if this has happened countless times before.  But he never will know will he?

He says I calm him down and that I am always there for him.  I wish I could say the opposite is true.
 

This isn't going to make any sense.  Yes, you have been warned.  Lately I don't really know what I have been feeling, maybe it is the lack of relaxation or maybe it is too much relaxation that gets me nowhere.  It feels like I am caught up in feelings I can't explain, in emotions I dont want to feel, and in weakness that makes me cry.  And I have said time and time again, I am not one who likes to likes to cry it makes me feel weak, it makes me feel ashamed.  I know, I have been a proponent of letting emotions get out there because "that means youre strong enough to let your emotions out" ...sometimes I just wish I wouldnt have to all the time. 

Lately, all it takes is a "are you going to cry?"
"No I am not going to cry"
...and here comes the waterworks. great. 

I'm upset.

Hey, it looks like I've figured something out.  

"Why are you upset?"

"I dont know."
great. 

Its true what they say though, it is the ones closest to you that can hurt you and make you feel things you sometimes dont want to feel.  They can make you feel things you dont want to feel.  Good thing? sometimes.  Bad thing?  sometimes.  

I told you my thoughts were going to be all over the page, there is no corressponding where they are coming from, well maybe there is but there is absolutely no organization.  There is no figuring otu where I meant to go with this, what I wanted to do with it, but maybe thats the point.  There is nowhere I am going with my thoughts, I am trying to figure it out but I am not getting anywhere by it.  I am confused and lost and you name it, I feel it.  It isn't a simple thing this anger this frusteration.  I am not even thinking about what I am writing anymore I am just writing as it comes.  I'm sorry if you get whiplash from it or some other form of I dont know what because the thoughts are coming a mile a minute and there is nothing I can do.  

Last night I went to sleep pretty late, because I had so much on my mind.  This morning I woke up pretty early, with a lot on my mind.  It isn't an easy thing but I'll get by.  I woke up this morning telling myself that maybe I should go for a run because that helps me clear my head, but if you know anything about me it is clear that I do not run unless something is really bothering me.  So what is bothering me? the fact that someone can get to me even when I dont want them to get to me, or the fact that I am so open and I want to be the only one but there is no way I can be the only one and I never will be the only one.  Come to think of it it reminds me of all my ideals that have gone down the drain.  Yeah, I know you cant live your life by ideals because it will only screw you over.  And yes, screwed over I am.  It isn't an easy thing, I am so confused, and so lost.  I dont know what I want to do with my life sometimes.  Where was I going with this?  I dont remember, oh yeah what was bothering me.  The only one thing, see that doesnt work out, there is no way that I could ever be "the only one" because that would just make life way too convient and that would just make me way too happy to be the only one in which his heart is for and I am the only one that he is truly in love with. but hey, that isn't going to happen so I can stop dreaming now.  

I used to think that the more relationships a person was in, or maybe it isnt the more but having relationship experience will help things.  It will help matters because the person knows what is going on and they will know what they want and so they wont make mistakes.  I am starting to believe that that is not at all true.  It is not remotely true, what is true is that you cannot build a relationship when someone is still in love with another, or even by the little strings of their heart they are reaching out for another.  It just wont work.  It wont work. How will something work when they would go out with an previous flame, and ex whatever it is you want to call it.  How does it work out when they would admittingly go back to the girl that they did wrong, and more importantly the girl that did them wrong.  Yeah, I know trust can be high and all that but is it is so high that even as she cheats and hurts and causes pain, she'll still be in his heart?  The logical answer would be no.  but the truthful answer is something I don't want to admit.   

I've always been a proponent for change.  That is to say that I have been one to believe that people can change.  And when I believe in such things it is because I look back upon my past and see all that has changed in me and all that has happened.  But I have been surrounded by people who tell me that people really do not change.  I look them in the eye and tell them that I think that is wrong, I mean look at me, I have changed right?  Yes, I have changed a lot and I dont know if its always for the better all the time.  But that wasnt what I was talking about to begin with.  I have started to see that some people never change.  Of course I've always believed that core characteristics don't change but people still can change and they do change.  right? no, not really. 

Is it true that once you love someone, they always stay in your heart?  So no matter what you do there is still a little piece of them that remains inside of you.  But how strong is love anyway, when people fall in and out of love all the time?

She asked him "do you think our love is strong?"  He replied "I dont know hun" 
 
 

She tells me that I am being difficult, that there is something that is in error with my attitude.  And this all sounds like a familiar tune.  She asks me why I am being like this. 

I could give her an answer.  But it wont be the answer she wants to hear, nor is it not something I really want to discuss, at least not with her.
Didn't I always say I want to be able to tell my family what goes on in my life and have them be okay with it and understanding?  Out of everyone in my family I thought, at least her.  But I have been proven wrong.  Well lets go back to what I said, "understanding" of it.  Yeah, its definately not something they can give me.  The reason I have stopped telling them anything is because I can not trust them to value my views or opinions.  The only thing that I know will come out of it is that she will in fact use the information I told her in confidence against me.  Negative? Why yes. True? definately.

It has happened before and you know what they say.  "fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice shame on me."  So my guards go up, why should I trust someone who will use what I say against me.  Yes, you can't choose your family, but you sure as hell can choose what you tell them.  And when trust is gone, what do I choose to tell her.  The bare minimum.

The last time I was truly honest with her about everything, detailing the course of the evening, what did I receive?  "Youre a stupid girl."  Yeah, I am. stupid enough to believe I could tell her anything.  Stupid enough to believe that I could trust her.  Stupid enough to think that she would understand and see it from my side.  Stupid. stupid. stupid.  "youre a stupid girl."  "Thank you mother, thats how you raised. me"

"Youre marrying him not his mother." 

Maybe take that back and insert something like, "youre not marrying his friend" or "youre not dating his friend, youre dating him."  Well people say your friends have an impact on who you are right?  The thing is, no matter how much you would like to say that you are different from these people, these are the people you chose to be friends with.  There is the age old line that says, "we cant choose who we fall in love with" and although that might be true, we can choose who are friends are.  So if these are the people you choose to associate yourself with, that leaves us some opinion on your and your nature. 

Okay, take a step back.  What about those friends you have that party so hard but you are nothing like them?  Or what about those friends that do nothing but study and all you like to do is get "plastered."  Well, you're not very close to these people are you?  But rather, they can qualify as acquaintances, the people you pass by in the street and give a little smile or a wave and a few words of "its nice to see you again."  But if these are the people, these "partiers" these "nerds" whatever it is you wan to call them, are the type you tend to associate with then most likely, you are in one of these categories. 

"No no, I refuse to be categorized."  I'm sorry.  Please describe to me your behavior and what you would like me to think of you.

"well my friends party, and get plastered.  Also its 10 times more fun to do anything if you are drunk"  

On a side note, I think it is dumb and a total lack of judgement to get drunk and think that being drunk is a high means of society which will get you anywhere in life.  I may sound bitter, and yes I am bitter about it.  Give me one good reason, one logical reason why getting drunk and doing the most demeaning things are the way to go.  Because they are "fun?" Smarty pants who decides to waste his life, money, and time away on drugs, give me a better reason.  If you can spend so much time on it and spend so much effort in trying to get it you have sure as well give me a better reason to why you are doing it. 

Lack of judgement. I dont know on the part of who. Him or me.  Lack of willpower.  Again, I dont know on his part or mine.

You can lie all you want.  Actually, you really shouldnt but who am I to stop you.  But you better think of some better excuses to go with those lies.  You are a good liar, but your excuses get you caught. 

I should have more will power, the ability to give what I receive.  If you give me backwater, then that is something you should be getting back.   
 

And he said "I'll always be there." 

And he said "I'll be here until you don't want me to be here anymore." 

And he said "You mean a lot to me, don't think I'll let you go that easily." 

And he said "I've just been busy, but I will get back to you." 

He has said a lot of things.  But its the age old story, actions speak louder than words.  But maybe this is how it plays out, if you are going to keep to one of these "age old stories" or cliches, whatever you want to call it, then maybe you have to stick to it all.  People can enter your life and then leave, people can enter your life and teach you a lesson about what is right, what is wrong, who you are meant to be, and what you need.  Yeah, people can teach you a lot of things, and one of the main things people can teach you is disappointment. 

It seems like it is so easy to formulate these words, to make up these lies or lets call it empty promises.  I'm not sure which sounds better, lie or empty promises but they are very much in the same arena.  They both hurt and can cause pain.  Well, everyone lies and that is the fact of life, people will say a lot of things to you, things that will seem so sweet.  Things that will make you feel on top of the world.  Things that will make you feel...whole. 

But time gets involved and the things they once swore was true dissipates like everything else in life.  Nothing lasts forever even if you really want it to.  It is just the fact of life.  I guess sometimes its just one of those things where you say "well, it was good while it lasted" and move on with your life. 

...no, it isn't that easy.  You dont let one of the best people, one of the most important people in your life walk away that easily do you?  Should you just let them fade away without a fighting chance?  Well what if you have tried?  What if you have apologized for all the stupid things you said, because you were in a bad mood.  but I'm sorry apologies don't solve everything.  And you sometimes just can't fix things.  Sometimes it is easier to let go...but other times you say you will let go, but your heart holds on.  You have reoccuring thoughts, feelings, all the memories you shared like driving down to la or going to the mall and making jokes or just walking around enjoying eachother's company.  And you miss him...

How can people just disappear out of my life so easily?  Am I the only one holding on?  I can try to repair it, but I can't do it on my own.  Dont leave me. 
 

When it comes down to life, there is one thing that always seems certain, the unpredictability of what lies in the future.  This is to say, I am no psychic and no matter how many times I guess at what could possibly happen, life always surprises me with the curve balls that are thrown my way.

I am not very atheltic, and I will not lie and back up my abilities to throw the curve ball nor catch it.  Nor can I really handle that balls that come spinning my way--those balls that come extra fast, and hit the floor refusing to come back up.  Its not a simple thing, atheletics.  Its not a simple thing, life. 

I have recently come to discover that a lot of things are out of my hands.  I know I have said life is unpredictable so why waste the effort trying to figure out the path that it will lead to when the path is unclear, its mysterious, but I guess thats how life goes.

Things seem to be out of my hands, yes, but the one thing I thought I control, has unfortunately become added to the list of the things that I cannot have a handle on.  My thinking pattern, belief system, feelings, emotions, they are supposed to be all my own, but apparently the process is not that simple.  Maybe it was the way I have been raised that lead me to believe in certain ideals.  Maybe it is the environment that I live in that leads me to have those certain ideals.  But in the end, I have come to the conclusion that both the nature and nurture aspect have lead me in the wront direction: believing in ideals.  Its not to say that having ideals are always a bad thing, but it is like what I just read, "we are more likely to see what lies behind our eyes rather than what lies before them," and that creates many problems.  It isnt a matter of just seeing things, but it is in our nature to be influenced by prejudices.  It is not a mattter of subjecting the self to it, or a matter of disbelief in it, or the total ignorance to the whole ordeal.  So what is the point then?  The point is, whether you accept it nor not, it is part of you and it will happen, because it is part of life. 

So if there is no control over what really happens in life, what is to say that there is free will?  What is free will exactly?  The ability to choose what happens in life?  The ability to choose where life will lead?  When it comes down to it all, is the choice really left up to us?  If we do not really have a say in where our lives will end up then do we really have as much free will as we think we do?

Free will, speak up for what you want and make it happen.  The ability to choose to make it happen.  But do we really have a choice?  Like love, do we have a choice in that? Do we really have a choice in who we fall in love with, how long we are in love, do we even know what love is?  Do I even know what love is.  Love is when it brings you to tears when you think "this person isn't the one for me."  When you would drive an hour to see them for 5 minutes, when their smile and them being safe and happy means the world to you.  When you dont want to share them because they are special to you and no one else can see how special they are as much as you can, and you can feel it.  But how can you say love is true when you are scared to talk about the future.  How can love be real if you are so scared that your future plans include that other person.  I once watched a movie that said "love is unconditional."  But is it? 

When the relationship takes its turn maybe for the better and turns into love, two people should be able to be honest with one another right?  If you love someone, even if you say you have no plans for the future, wouldnt you at least hope or give some hope that this person you "love" will be there?  What sets this person apart from others?  If you say that you dont plan for the future, and you tell her that she is in your future or you will try as hard as you can for a future with her, doesnt that set her apart from the others?  Doesnt that prove...you. love. her. 

Maybe it is the hope, maybe I just want hope for the future.  I need hope for the future.